So....
After the last post I got a few interesting comments.My thighs got hot, now only a select few know what that means but lets just say I felt the need to defend my position. Maybe what I said doesn't apply to all BM & WW relationships but you gotta admit it does apply to some. I'm not apologetic for what i said. Though sometimes I can walk down the street and not give two good damns about who's with who, but sometimes I do feel a twinge or find myself wondering why. One comment that I read said that I was holding on to grudges, that I should take a note from MLK and think about Unity. My first mind was to say that I am a Malcolm head so.., but then I stood back and thought, Maybe I am holding on to a grudge.
For those who are free of it and who don't carry the sins of their fathers I applaud you.You are lucky that you don't have to face insecurities and hate embedded so deep within you that you don't know they are there until you read about it or come across certain situations. In 11th grade I took African American History. My mind opened up my relaxer grew out ( at lest the first attempt), and I became very aware of things that I never noticed before.
I never thought I had color issues until I saw a man one day at my Target job the summer after my class, and thought "he is too dark."He looked at me knowing that I was staring and called me sister. I hated myself in that moment. I hated that in me there were thoughts that I hadn't placed there. That somewhere down the line someone said that dark skin, thick coarse curly hair, big lips, big eyes, big noses big butts, big breast were some how not beautiful. Not even human. That in this country we were 3/5 a person that we didn't have souls. that our body was not the American standard of beauty. Even though we have been here since 1619. Black women have to tip toe around our sexuality, Cant go but so far because we don't want to seem promiscuous.You Damn right I got a grudge.
And honestly i am afraid to let go of it. because I fear somehow I would forget my past. My struggle, My people, Myself. It's like this:
Thou art not holy to belie me so; 48
I am not mad: this hair I tear is mine;
My name is Constance; I was Geffrey’s wife;
Young Arthur is my son, and he is lost!
I am not mad: I would to heaven I were! 52
For then ’tis like I should forget myself:
O! if I could, what grief should I forget.
Preach some philosophy to make me mad,
And thou shalt be canoniz’d, cardinal; 56
For being not mad but sensible of grief,
My reasonable part produces reason
How I may be deliver’d of these woes,
And teaches me to kill or hang myself: 60
If I were mad, I should forget my son,
Or madly think a babe of clouts were he.
I am not mad: too well, too well I feel
The different plague of each calamity.
I quoted this monelouge from Shakespeare because it relates to how I'm feeling. I wish i could forgive and forget, but I can't. I can't let go of shit that still affects me. I feel it, see it, think it everyday. So I'm sorry if I have grudges. I'm sorry that the N word doesn't flow as easily out of my mouth as others because some how in some peoples minds it has changed into a non offensive word (side bar I do slip fro time to time). I'm sorry that I may have the occasional internally racist thought. And Im sorry that I may have a problem with a Black Man and a White woman. I don't want to go back to not knowing or not caring or being unaware of my people, not just our beauty, but our true selves. Our sence of community. Our movements. Our beliefs. Our heritage. i know the struggle doesn't make you who you are but it does show you what you are made of. I don't want to lose that.
That's life, and I'm still workin on it
PLBG
Friday, July 23, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Black Men and White Women: Why?
So I been doing some thinking, and admitting and I have to confess that I sometimes have a problem with white women and black men.So I started to analyze why I and so many other black women have this issue. We are told that Black Men don't belong to us, that they don't want to be limited, they are exploring other possibilities, they are curious etc. But the feeling of abandonment, anger, and disloyalty is still there. This is not a new feeling either, though many in the media are blasting it now it has been there. I have heard it all my life.
In the Autobiography of Malcolm X, Malcolm stated that when he walked on the streets of Harlem with a white woman on his arm he was respected and admired. He had the White Man's prize- his precious white woman that he protected at all cost(ie lynching: case in point Emmit Till). The white woman was a status symbol. Many Black women believe the case is the same today. Why is it that so many Black Men's picture of success include a non Black Woman. I once was told that many men in a corporate setting feel that they already stick out enough the are just trying to fit in.
Some Black Men say that dating White women is easier. I have to agree in some way it could be easier. White women don't share a history with Black Men and they have no expectations of them. We expect Black men to be our brother, lover, friend, confidant, protecter, provider, leader, father, son, revolutionary, our everything except Jesus. We approach them in relationships knowing at least some part who they are because we are apart of it. We, as all women carry baggage of past relationships or wrong doings ad we can attach it to the new Black men in our lives. We can push them away when we want them to stay, but are afraid of being vulnerable. We can degrade them by simple quotes like"Niggas aint SHIT." They may not always understand our love and how we express it. They don't know that we yell at them because we are concerned. We don't want them to leave and be out all night, because they may never come back. We love Black men. From the way they walk, talk, smell, their build, their color everything. But the way we express it can push them away.
My boyfriend told me to not look at it as a rejecting to Black women but as a man being curious of what else is out there beyond all he has ever known. He also said that as he and some men were talking about this topic that one said that he did not want to be limited. Now when I hear this I can take it two ways. The first is that when a man sees someone of interest wether she be purple, if he is moved to approach her he will. The other way I can take it is that in some way dating Black women is limiting, That we are not a spectrum of ideas, abilities, looks and personalities. I just don't know what they are thinking but I hope its the first one.
Whatever reason Black Men give, we will never be satisfied. We just cant understand why they don't want us. What's wrong with my milk chocolate, nappy head, dominant featured self. What's wrong with your mother, sister, friend, daughter. Aren't we enough. Haven't we been there through thick and thin.We were down for the movement, up with the people and we created the world with you and still you betray us.
I hope in writing this article that no one is offended, this is all my opinion, and nothing that I'm saying is law. I hope this opens up dialogue and understanding to why we feel the way we do and why Black Men do what they do.
Yall Pray for this Po Little Black Girl and yourselves so that we can get a better understanding and to let go of this unsettling feeling.
Love
PLBG
In the Autobiography of Malcolm X, Malcolm stated that when he walked on the streets of Harlem with a white woman on his arm he was respected and admired. He had the White Man's prize- his precious white woman that he protected at all cost(ie lynching: case in point Emmit Till). The white woman was a status symbol. Many Black women believe the case is the same today. Why is it that so many Black Men's picture of success include a non Black Woman. I once was told that many men in a corporate setting feel that they already stick out enough the are just trying to fit in.
Some Black Men say that dating White women is easier. I have to agree in some way it could be easier. White women don't share a history with Black Men and they have no expectations of them. We expect Black men to be our brother, lover, friend, confidant, protecter, provider, leader, father, son, revolutionary, our everything except Jesus. We approach them in relationships knowing at least some part who they are because we are apart of it. We, as all women carry baggage of past relationships or wrong doings ad we can attach it to the new Black men in our lives. We can push them away when we want them to stay, but are afraid of being vulnerable. We can degrade them by simple quotes like"Niggas aint SHIT." They may not always understand our love and how we express it. They don't know that we yell at them because we are concerned. We don't want them to leave and be out all night, because they may never come back. We love Black men. From the way they walk, talk, smell, their build, their color everything. But the way we express it can push them away.
My boyfriend told me to not look at it as a rejecting to Black women but as a man being curious of what else is out there beyond all he has ever known. He also said that as he and some men were talking about this topic that one said that he did not want to be limited. Now when I hear this I can take it two ways. The first is that when a man sees someone of interest wether she be purple, if he is moved to approach her he will. The other way I can take it is that in some way dating Black women is limiting, That we are not a spectrum of ideas, abilities, looks and personalities. I just don't know what they are thinking but I hope its the first one.
Whatever reason Black Men give, we will never be satisfied. We just cant understand why they don't want us. What's wrong with my milk chocolate, nappy head, dominant featured self. What's wrong with your mother, sister, friend, daughter. Aren't we enough. Haven't we been there through thick and thin.We were down for the movement, up with the people and we created the world with you and still you betray us.
I hope in writing this article that no one is offended, this is all my opinion, and nothing that I'm saying is law. I hope this opens up dialogue and understanding to why we feel the way we do and why Black Men do what they do.
Yall Pray for this Po Little Black Girl and yourselves so that we can get a better understanding and to let go of this unsettling feeling.
Love
PLBG
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